Who is holding the power?

There was a time, a while ago where my well-being, sanity and all power was held by a six year old child. Said six year old was someone who could determine whether I was to have a good or bad day just by his interest in a task. Or so I believed.

This child held all the cards. I spent an alarming amount of time worried about him, thinking of him, angry about him, and to be honest, scared of him.

I actually couldn't believe how much emotional energy was being used up in something I had no control over. Hours upon hours, replaying situations in my mind, this child could become a bigger and scarier version of the six year old he was. I don't know whether he or his parents knew, or cared for that matter, how many sleepless nights, upset stomachs and tension headaches I had over someone who had been on this earth less than a decade.

He was a person who had challenging behaviours.
He was a person who had impulse control issues.
He was and still is a person.

I had this epiphany one day when I was out for a morning walk and ruminating on the latest outburst. I was feeling overwhelmed with the behaviour of this student. In my mind’s narrative, I had created a monster out of a little boy. And it wasn’t even 6am.

I decided then to separate the person and the behaviour.  I tried my best to see the behaviour outside the child and the child as a person. It actually helped. I was able to get a handle on my own emotions and not allow the behaviour of another dictate my day.

I found myself being able to identify that his unpredictable outbursts scared me because I was concerned about my safety, the safety of the students and this child's safety. I was able to identify that when his behaviour became loud, disruptive and aggressive I felt angry that the other students were disrupted in their learning and I had to disengage from them to address this student. I was able to identify that when he had a meltdown, I went into panic and kind of shut down and in that moment, subconsciously handed him my confidence on a plate.

By separating the behaviour from the child I was able to identify a few go to strategies for the class to continue their learning whilst the behaviour of one was addressed. I was able to use my morning walks to mentally walk through a situation, replay it in my mind, and identify best and safest ways forward. As I got better at this I was able to predict the next step and next step. I felt like I had the situation sorted in my mind which provided calm clarity for when the situation arose in real time.

I had my power back which in turn empowered me to be able to make the best decisions for this child and the class.

Since this time, I have used this strategy to help with difficult conversations,  staff members,  parent meetings and students. As I play the situation in my mind and I separate the person from the behaviour or event, I find I can be clear and composed. In my mind, if a person gets upset or yells, i just rewind the mental tape and try again. In real time we don't have that luxury.

What we do have though is a job that expects us to be understanding, calm, fair and decisive… even if we feel overwhelmed, panicked and frustrated.

It is time to balance things back with compassion and empathy.

You absolutely have the power to do this.

Anne-Marie